雅思大作文写作批改分析-收集员工个人信息

　　雅思大作文写作批改分析-收集员工个人信息    下面这道是剑11（G类）Test1的大作文题目。小编搬运国外雅思学习网站eltechenglish的写作批改过来并附译文和补充说明，供大家理解评分标准、积累素材。ideas和词汇。

　　学习方法建议：读两遍，第一遍着重看红色部分，加深对失分点的认识，避免自己出现同样的问题，第二遍结合译文和小编补充看全文，在进一步理解什么是好什么是不好的同时，摘录ideas和词汇。

　　Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

　　注：范文中有颜色的部分为批改意见，蓝色为增加或改正，红色为说明，划线为删除。

　　Some people think that employers asking the job seekers for private information such as marital status and hobbies are is (主谓不一致) admissible and beneficial while others say it is irrelevant. In my opinion, sharing personal information it (前文用了it来指代“收集个人信息”，这里可以继续使用，避免用词重复，同时提高连贯度) helps employers to hire theappropriate candidate and hence it is crucial in the hiring process.（定冠词的正确使用）

　　译文：有些人觉得雇主要求求职者提供婚姻状态和爱好等个人信息是合理有益的，但其他人认为这种做法是无关紧要的。我认为这种做法在聘用过程中很重要因为它有助于雇主找到最合适的候选人。

　　小编补充：开头段应对题目进行充分改写，注意积累题目关键词的同义替换。如：job seekers, candidate = people applying for jobs, private information = personal information, marital status = whether they are married or single, admissible and beneficial = relevant and useful, irrelevant = disagree. 实在不能替换的可以不换，如hobbies.

　　On the one hand, there are serious compelling (用词更恰当) grounds to believe that employers need to know more than just the professional information. With the growing emphasis on collaborative work culture and the requirement for employees to fit into team dynamics, information about hobbies and interests play a significant role. With the help of such information, (上一句已经用了同样的句式，要避免重复) employers are able This enables employers to select the right candidate for the a suitable position. For instance, several applicants are deemed to be fit for content writing job according to their curriculum vitae and those among them having an interest in writing are best suited for this position. (举例应更具体，可列出公司名字，比如：For instance, while more than 1000 people applied for content writing jobs at Microsoft, the company selected only those who had a hobby of writing regularly.) Thus, employers need to ask personal questions to figure this out. Moreover, an employer may also benefit from a potential employee’s marital status. For example, if an employer is looking to hire an air hostess who has to do work in odd shifts, he will not prefer to give the job to a married woman with young kids.

　　译文：一方面，有充分理由相信雇主需要了解专业信息以外的东西。在企业日益重视团队合作和员工对团队动态性的适应情况的背景下，兴趣爱好信息很有用。这会帮助雇主为职位选择合适的人选。比如，在1000个微软内容写作工作的申请人中，只有那些有写作爱好的人胜出了。雇主需要问个人问题来了解这些。而且，雇员婚姻状态对雇主也有用。如果想雇佣必须轮班的空姐，雇主不会想把这个职位给有小孩的已婚女士。

　　小编补充：这一段的冠词小错误较多，目标6+的考生应避免这类问题。除了话题词汇，这一段的例子值得学习，举例要具体、典型、扣题。

　　On the other hand, those who （冗余）many believe that sharing personal information might be misused (sharing不能被misused，搭配要准确 ) and, hence, (hence前后得各有1个逗号 ) these questions should not be asked. According to them, recruiters may use information it (用代词指代前文提到的关键词，避免重复用词) to discriminate against an employee and this argument is valid to an extent. (冗余，无需提 “it is valid”，解释为什么合理即可) For example, an employer may decide not to hire someone whose religious beliefs may clash with theirs which might lead to a heated argument on any religious conversation during office hours eventually affecting and negatively affect the work environment.

　　译文：另一方面，很多人认为个人信息可能会被滥用，因此不应该问这些问题。他们认为，招聘者可能会利用这些信息歧视某个雇员。比如，雇主可能会拒绝雇佣与他人宗教信仰不同的申请人，以免在工作中发生冲突并影响工作。

　　小编补充：这一段的CC可以，但例子不够扣题。

　　In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinion, I believe that personal information will help the helps an employer to make the correct choice which is extremely beneficial for the company as well as for the applicant who is getting the job of his interest.

　　译文：总之，虽然人们有不同的观点，我觉得个人信息能帮助雇主正确决策，这对企业和想得到自己感兴趣的工作的申请人都很重要。

　　小编补充：这是个不错的结尾段，很好地概括了全文，重申了个人观点。大家可以学习其结构和表达方式，比如while people may vary in their opinion, I belive that...

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